Came across one of those unusual article the The Onion about the undesirable device and it got me appreciating just how brilliant that article is. I found it brilliant because it was written generic in such a way that it can be applied to pretty much any device regardless of its manufacturer. One can't help but think this article was written to poke fun of iPhone enthusiasts.
There are 11 key variables you have to take note of:
1. The old device
2. The new device
3. Nationality of consumers
4. The manufacturer
5. The manufacturer spokesperson
6. The selling price
7. Consumer 1: owns old device
8. Consumer 2: just got the new device
9. Consumer 3: showing off the new device
10. The device enthusiast
11. Location from where article is posted
Now that you are aware of the key variables in the article, you can pretty much replace everything in the article with the 11 variables. You can pretty much just put all this in a programming language and insert all the variables in and whip out a number of your own customized articles.
I will name the variables like this:
- oldDevice
- newDevice
- nationality
- manufacturer
- spokesperson (has first and last name)
- sellingPrice
- consumerOne (has first and last name)
- consumerTwo (has first and last name)
- consumerThree (has first and last name)
- enthusiast (has first and last name)
- location
I will put the generic article with all variables inserted in and you can have fun creating your own articles.
<location>—With the holiday shopping season officially under way, millions of consumers proceeded to their nearest commercial centers this week in hopes of acquiring the latest, and therefore most desirable, personal device.
"The new <newDevice> is an improvement over the old <oldDevice>, making it more attractive for purchase by all <Nationality>," said <spokesperson>, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. "The old <oldDevice> is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old <oldDevice>."
Added <spokespersonLastName>, "The new <newDevice> will retail for $<sellingPrice>."
Able to remain operational for longer periods of time and occupy a demonstrably smaller three-dimensional space, the new <newDevice> is so advanced when compared to the old <oldDevice> that it makes the old <oldDevice> appear much older than it actually is. However, the new <newDevice> is reportedly not so radically different as to cause confusion or unwanted anxiety among those familiar with the feel of the old <oldDevice>.
"Its higher price indicates to me that it is superior, and that not everyone will be able to afford it, which only makes me want to possess it more," said <consumerOne>, owner of the old <oldDevice>, which he obtained 18 months ago when it was still the new <oldDevice>. "I feel a strong urge to purchase the new <newDevice>. Owning the new <newDevice> will please me and improve my daily life."
"It's difficult to remember how I ever found enjoyment in my old <oldDevice>," <consumerOneLastName> continued. "It is no longer appealing to the eye."
In addition to aesthetic and technological enhancements, <manufacturer> claim the new <newDevice> comes equipped with a wide range of desirable features, including fewer buttons for pressing down and holding; a new wire for connecting to larger, less-portable devices; and fewer device-related errors and frustrations.
The new <newDevice> will also be available in blue.
"Not only will I be able to perform tasks faster than before, but my new <newDevice> will also inform those around me that I am a successful individual who is up on the latest trends," said <consumerTwo>, whose executive job allowed her to line up for several hours in the middle of the day in order to obtain the previously unavailable item. "Its attractiveness and considerable value are, by extension, my attractiveness and considerable value."
Consumer <consumerThree> agreed.
"I'm going to take my new <newDevice> wherever I go," said <consumerThreeLastName>, holding the expensive item directly in the eyeline of several reporters. "That way no one on the street, inside the elevator, or at my place of business will ever mistake me for the sort of individual who does not own the new <newDevice>."
Added <consumerThreeLastName>, "The new <newDevice> brings me satisfaction."
Despite the visible excitement among most consumers, some claimed to be exercising caution, choosing instead to sit back and wait for a newer version of the new <newDevice> to be released before making a purchase.
"True, it appeals to my most basic insecurities, but this new <newDevice> will ultimately be replaced by a newer device, rendering it completely undesirable and utterly repellent to my personal tastes," device-enthusiast <enthusiast> said. "Also, I should start saving my money for the next latest device, which will replace the newer new <newDevice> a couple months after that."
I will use the generic article above to talk about the new iPhone
These will be the variables:
- oldDevice: iPhone 6
- newDevice: iPhone 7
- nationality: American
- manufacturer: Apple
- spokesperson: Chris Gaither
- sellingPrice: 449
- consumerOne: Eric Rottenberg
- consumerTwo: Allison Berding
- consumerThree: Sean Johnson
- enthusiast: John Appleseed
- location: Cupertino
Just look at how the generic article works if variables above are substituted in.
CUPERTINO—With the holiday shopping season
officially under way, millions of consumers proceeded to their nearest
commercial centers this week in hopes of acquiring the latest, and
therefore most desirable, personal device.
"The new iPhone 7 is an improvement over the old iPhone 6 making it more attractive for purchase by all American," said Chris Gaither, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. "The old iPhone 6 is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old iPhone 6."
Added Gaither, "The new iPhone 7 will retail for $449."
Able to remain operational for longer periods of time and occupy a demonstrably smaller three-dimensional space, the new iPhone 7 is so advanced when compared to the old iPhone 6 that it makes the old iPhone 6 appear much older than it actually is. However, the new iPhone 7 is reportedly not so radically different as to cause confusion or unwanted anxiety among those familiar with the feel of the old iPhone 6.
"Its higher price indicates to me that it is superior, and that not everyone will be able to afford it, which only makes me want to possess it more," said Eric Rottenberg, owner of the old iPhone 6, which he obtained 18 months ago when it was still the new iPhone 6. "I feel a strong urge to purchase the new iPhone 7. Owning the new iPhone 7 will please me and improve my daily life."
"It's difficult to remember how I ever found enjoyment in my old iPhone 6," Rottenberg continued. "It is no longer appealing to the eye."
In addition to aesthetic and technological enhancements, Apple claim the new iPhone 7 comes equipped with a wide range of desirable features, including fewer buttons for pressing down and holding; a new wire for connecting to larger, less-portable devices; and fewer device-related errors and frustrations.
The new iPhone 7 will also be available in blue.
"Not only will I be able to perform tasks faster than before, but my new iPhone 7 will also inform those around me that I am a successful individual who is up on the latest trends," said Allison Berding, whose executive job allowed her to line up for several hours in the middle of the day in order to obtain the previously unavailable item. "Its attractiveness and considerable value are, by extension, my attractiveness and considerable value."
Consumer Sean Johnson agreed.
"I'm going to take my new iPhone 7 wherever I go," said Johnson, holding the expensive item directly in the eyeline of several reporters. "That way no one on the street, inside the elevator, or at my place of business will ever mistake me for the sort of individual who does not own the new iPhone 7."
Added Johnson, "The new iPhone 7 brings me satisfaction."
Despite the visible excitement among most consumers, some claimed to be exercising caution, choosing instead to sit back and wait for a newer version of the new iPhone 7 to be released before making a purchase.
"True, it appeals to my most basic insecurities, but this new iPhone 7 will ultimately be replaced by a newer device, rendering it completely undesirable and utterly repellent to my personal tastes," device-enthusiast John Appleseed said. "Also, I should start saving my money for the next latest device, which will replace the newer new iPhone 7 a couple months after that."
"The new iPhone 7 is an improvement over the old iPhone 6 making it more attractive for purchase by all American," said Chris Gaither, a spokesperson for the large conglomerate that manufactures the new device. "The old iPhone 6 is no longer sufficient. Consumers should no longer have any use or longing for the old iPhone 6."
Added Gaither, "The new iPhone 7 will retail for $449."
Able to remain operational for longer periods of time and occupy a demonstrably smaller three-dimensional space, the new iPhone 7 is so advanced when compared to the old iPhone 6 that it makes the old iPhone 6 appear much older than it actually is. However, the new iPhone 7 is reportedly not so radically different as to cause confusion or unwanted anxiety among those familiar with the feel of the old iPhone 6.
"Its higher price indicates to me that it is superior, and that not everyone will be able to afford it, which only makes me want to possess it more," said Eric Rottenberg, owner of the old iPhone 6, which he obtained 18 months ago when it was still the new iPhone 6. "I feel a strong urge to purchase the new iPhone 7. Owning the new iPhone 7 will please me and improve my daily life."
"It's difficult to remember how I ever found enjoyment in my old iPhone 6," Rottenberg continued. "It is no longer appealing to the eye."
In addition to aesthetic and technological enhancements, Apple claim the new iPhone 7 comes equipped with a wide range of desirable features, including fewer buttons for pressing down and holding; a new wire for connecting to larger, less-portable devices; and fewer device-related errors and frustrations.
The new iPhone 7 will also be available in blue.
"Not only will I be able to perform tasks faster than before, but my new iPhone 7 will also inform those around me that I am a successful individual who is up on the latest trends," said Allison Berding, whose executive job allowed her to line up for several hours in the middle of the day in order to obtain the previously unavailable item. "Its attractiveness and considerable value are, by extension, my attractiveness and considerable value."
Consumer Sean Johnson agreed.
"I'm going to take my new iPhone 7 wherever I go," said Johnson, holding the expensive item directly in the eyeline of several reporters. "That way no one on the street, inside the elevator, or at my place of business will ever mistake me for the sort of individual who does not own the new iPhone 7."
Added Johnson, "The new iPhone 7 brings me satisfaction."
Despite the visible excitement among most consumers, some claimed to be exercising caution, choosing instead to sit back and wait for a newer version of the new iPhone 7 to be released before making a purchase.
"True, it appeals to my most basic insecurities, but this new iPhone 7 will ultimately be replaced by a newer device, rendering it completely undesirable and utterly repellent to my personal tastes," device-enthusiast John Appleseed said. "Also, I should start saving my money for the next latest device, which will replace the newer new iPhone 7 a couple months after that."
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